He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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