im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
