I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
