My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
