Can i not drive my cunt home
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
