Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
