Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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