how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
