Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sorry my hands just texted you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
