Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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