I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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