Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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