i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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