bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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