he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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