The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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