I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
