I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
