I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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