Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
