If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
They took my balls.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
