Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i love accidental penises.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
