so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
