Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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