I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
