Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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