Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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