The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
