Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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