I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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