i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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