I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
