i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm both gender and math confused
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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