she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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