come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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