i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
