Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
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yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
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If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?