there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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