First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
