I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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