That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
