I am spending my child support on dildos
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
