I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
