Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
