just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
