Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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