Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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