I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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