I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
how drunk are you?
Several
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
