who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
