I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
