I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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