I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
