I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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