ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
