I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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