I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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