i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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