I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
